It’s a horrible feeling when you have to leave a clingy child who is in floods of tears at school or a day care centre. We will therefore provide you with some tips on how to cope with your child’s separation anxiety as well as explain what separation anxiety is.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is not uncommon in young children and occurs when carers leave children. It usually begins at 6 months to 3 years of age. It is very normal and most children usually grow out of it.
Why Does Separation Anxiety Occur?
If you had a baby that was absolutely fine when you left a room and did not mind being picked up by anyone, then it not unusual to not be able to make sense of why they suddenly begin to cry when you leave the room and unfamiliar people are around. That said, separation anxiety is actually a way of knowing that your child relies on you. As your child develops and becomes more aware of their environment, they can start to feel unsafe or teary when you are not around.
Dealing with Separation Anxiety
It can become difficult leaving your child in someone else’s care if they begin to show signs of separation anxiety. It’s perfectly normal to feel upset and feel concerned about your child when you leave them in a distressed state. What you need to remember is that it not unusual for your child to feel anxious when you are not there and feeling guilty is not necessary. The way to look at separation anxiety is in a positive way, as it can show how well you have bonded with your child.
The best thing to do is concentrate on helping your child understand their feelings so that they begin to feel more safe and secure. With time they will understand that when you leave them they will be fine and you will be coming back for them. If your child is old enough to understand, it is worth talking to them and explain what is going on and where you will be going and that you will be coming back to get them.
Remember that when you leave your child you are not hurting or affecting them negatively in any way, in fact you are helping them to learn to cope when you are not there which is crucial for their independence.
How to cope with Separation Anxiety at a childcare setting
- A Slow Transition
If your child is new to their childcare setting then it’s worth letting them experience in small chunks as any new experience requires an adjustment period. Talk to your child’s early childhood teacher and see if it’s possible to bring your child into the setting gradually. For example, if your child is in the childcare setting for three hours, see if you can stay with them at first and leave with your child. With time, decrease the time that you stay at the setting as this allows your child to experience being separate from you in smaller chunks.
- Avoid Sneaking Away
Trying to sneak away when your child is not aware is not a great idea as this won’t help with the separation anxiety. If you try and sneak out there’s more of a chance your child will always try and keep a tab on you in case you try to escape. Instead say goodbye and be explicit about leaving and this way your child won’t feel anxious about you leaving without them knowing.
- Have A ‘Goodbye’ Method
If you come up with a way of saying goodbye together this may be a good solution. It could be that each time you leave you squeeze your child’s hand or do a high five. This will help your child to understand that this is goodbye and does not mean that you are going and won’t be returning. By using a method like this, your child is not as likely to feel as anxious as opposed to your trying to sneak away.
- Consider Your Own Behaviour
If you are feeling worried, stressed or anxious, children can pick up on this as well as facial cues. So even if you don’t actually say how you are feeling, your face may say it all for you. The best thing to do is display a smile and try and think positively.
- Talk Positively About the Setting
It’s easy to start talking negatively about a setting if you child is trying to avoid going before you’ve even left the house. Without realising it you may be saying negative things about the setting such as:
– ‘We have to go to school, regardless of anything’ ‘Guess what, there’s no school tomorrow, yay!’.
– Threatening to take things like toys away if a child doesn’t stop crying about having to go to school.
– Bribing your child with treats after school if they can put their coat on quickly.
Ideally, don’t make the setting something to argue about. Try to keep all conversion about the setting as positive as possible. Perhaps highlight the fun activities that you child gets to do at their setting that they can’t do anywhere else.
- Reward Chart
It may be worth creating a reward chart with your child so that they have something nice to work towards. Perhaps create a sticker reward chart as this is nice and simple and doesn’t cause any extra work or stress for you.
You don’t need to make sure that you find childcare in a convenient location so you can get to your child when they are feeling anxious. At the end of the day, no matter where your child is, remember they will be safe and with time the separation anxiety will get better once you have applied the above and with time.